Writers Bootcamp Day 8: A letter to my pet hate…

Dear Mr/Ms McJudgypants

I’ve been thinking since we saw each other the other day and, having had a little bit of time to process some things, I thought I’d send off a little note to thank you for your insights.

You see, I couldn’t quite figure out at the time whether that mild sense of having been stung was misplaced and I guess I thought to myself that it wasn’t worth making a scene over anyway. So I didn’t say anything when you (half) jokingly called my business a “disaster” after I shared my vision for the future with you. Sure, there’s a lot of work to be done and things are far from perfect. And I realise you’ve been working diligently at various things and are currently in a place where you feel pretty sharp, pretty powerful and pretty well positioned to peer down your nose at me. Kudos to you, my friend.
So I’m sure you’ll understand why I’m a bit puzzled that you’d come to me in search of a job in the first place… (WTF?)

Oh, and I noticed, by the way, Mr McJudgypants, how you surveyed my garden last weekend when you came to stay over. And how you kept talking to my family as if they’re retarded. I noted, also, your helpful suggestions for removing or restoring the eyesore that is the property owner’s fixed gazebo, with thanks. I’m sure it’ll be a breeze to sew a new canopy for it on my non-existent sewing machine or that I could just breeze into a fabric retailers and pick up a few metres of heavy duty canvas to stitch one together from. You know, because between trying to run a company, raise a family and keep my house in tip top shape so that it doesn’t offend your delicate sensibilities when you stay over, I just don’t know what to do with all this extra time and money I have on my hands! And I love being shown how much better of a housekeeper I can be by a guest who has no family or responsibilities of his own, who stays in my house free of charge, eats my food and gets chauffeured by my husband to and from his train station/home every other Friday and Sunday. I do so hope that when next you visit, you’ll find Casa Lisa so much better suited to your tastes.

It’s such a pleasure to be surrounded by people who care so much about me, my life and my work. I can’t wait to hear from you how I could be a better wife or how to manage my children better – I noticed you did such a fine job of making them feel stupid the last time you were here, using big words they couldn’t possibly hope to know the definitions of and stepping in to discipline them when they got too rowdy. Because, you know, they’re going to turn into psychopathic killers if you don’t teach us all how to behave! So thanks so much. I can’t wait for our next visit!

Let’s make it on separate continents, shall we?




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